Grownups, especially our parents, are supposed to be there to help and encourage us kids and to show us the right way to act. Truthfully, most adults do treat kids well.
But some adults hurt kids rather than help them. Another word for this is abuse. Hitting and constant yelling are both types of abuse, and it sounds like you may be experiencing them with your dad. Physical abuse is when someone hits you hard with their hand or an object like a belt, especially hits that leave cuts and bruises. Shaking, pushing, choking, painfully grabbing and kicking can also be physical abuse. Please just take this as more encouragement to leave. Listen to your mom — she had your best interests at heart.
Which speaks to a whole host of other issues I have, but that is neither here nor there. Remember Hurricane Irene, and how everyone was advised to have one of those together? Well, consider this a non-natural disaster bag for abuse. Make sure no one knows where it is besides you.
Change where the hiding place is every few days. Include in it: birth certificate, passport if you have one , banking information, etc. You may want to keep this in a location outside of your house, where you can get it any time of the day or night.
Second, your bank account. Do your parents have access to it? Do they know about it? Well, change that. Open an account at another bank or credit union. Third, income. Do you have a job? If not, can you get one? Stash every last cent in your new and secret bank account. This will be your fund for housing, etc. Fourth, mail. Open up a P. Your father hit you—do you think he will respect your privacy? Boxes, but they may send mail to a PO Box if they have a street address for you?
At any rate, ask. Make sure you change your email passwords and passwords to anything else accounts, etc. For example, nightgown. Then change it in a month nightgown to reflect that date. If your family has a communal computer, do not use it. If you have a laptop, keep it under lock and key. Be out of the house a lot. By a lot, I mean, every day, from very early in the morning to very late at night, weekends included.
And if your father flips his shit on you for coming home too late or not spending enough time with the family, grab your bug out bag or head to where it is and get gone, at least for a while.
And yes, remember to repeat to yourself every day, several times a day, that this is not your fault, you are not a disruptive influence on the family, that your father is being manipulative and abusive, and that you do not deserve this treatment.
Not much to say except to wish the LW all the best in this terrible situation. Also, you lot are amazing. Especially Marie. It was heartbreaking. I agree with what CAwkward said as well as the others who gave you pointers on how to deal, especially Jennifer and Marie. In the end, YOU have to decide what to do but definitely use the resources posted to help you decide what that is. I wish you luck…please keep us posted. For the LW: I am so sorry that you had to write this letter.
I am sorry that your father behaves this way. This is not a typical family dynamic, not at all. This is verbal and emotional and now physical abuse. My parents were controlling and I got into screaming matches with my father as a teenager but I never once thought he would hit me, nor did he tear down my self-esteem. This situation is not your fault. Your father is an adult. He should know how to conduct himself without hitting and belittling people.
I wish you the very best, no matter what you decide. You deserve to be safe and healthy and happy. I had an ex who, in hindsight, had a lot of behaviors in our relationship and after we broke up that were abusive or, really, just downright childish. What I learned from that is my only bit of insight into this situation but something I think is really, really incredibly important to internalize:.
He will try to peg you as the destructive force whether it is outright stating it or subtly implying it. LW, your father is a grown-ass man. Your father is not a weapon, or an inanimate object, or an animal who has no agency of their own and can only do damage when someone else causes them to. HE is a person with agency who is being the destructive force here, not you. Seemed to me like a completely reasonable response to me.
You want to look out for her! There is nothing about that statement that one could reasonably respond to with anger, let alone what your father did. Abusers carefully lay long, long years of minor abuses as the groundwork for getting the big stuff through, and you might recognize some of that here. Just wanted to add my voice to the others wishing the LW luck and love in finding a way to look after themselves in this situation.
I have no advice, but I just had to say that I read this at work and almost started crying because it reminds me SO MUCH of my dad and our relationships with him except for the hitting part.
I just know that if I had lived at home throughout college, it would have ended with him hitting me too, so I know pretty well how the original poster is feeling though you can never say you know exactly how someone is feeling —everyone feels and reacts to things in their own unique way. It is worth the necessity of taking out loans and being in student debt. My dad never got help so I still have no real relationship with him.
We talk acquaintance-style about books we both like to read, and that is pretty much it. I can leave and walk away whenever I want. That takes the power away from him and allows you to control the situation to some extent. His interactions with you are now on your terms, not his. I think we should be very careful about advising anyone, even someone living in an abusive household, to go into debt.
But at least in the United States, student debt is a pretty big problem right now, compounded by very high unemployment for young adults. It sounds like Mom is willing to help — pursue that opportunity! Being financially dependent sucks, but having your own space does help.
It also might be more financially feasible to get your own place than you realize. This is one reason why getting help from professional outsiders is important; they can help you evaluate your situation more objectively. You may be less financially dependent on your dad than you think. And a little asking goes a long way when it comes to finding creative solutions through friends, professors, etc.
This is definitely a case for campus financial aid. Then contact your financial aid office to explain your situation. One of the girls in my reading group was successfully granted independent student status after explaining the emotionally abusive situation in her household of origin.
The loan option might work for the LW. Finding a scholarship to help the LW with tuition might help fastweb. Dropping out and getting a job and going back to school later might work.
Ultimately, only the LW can tell what will work for hir. But I hope you know, LW, that whatever is best for you, there ARE options aside from simply shouldering the misplaced blame and weathering the storm. Um, not to say that weathering the storm in your own way is not an option as well, as Marie eloquently pointed out above. This comment is probably not relevant to the LW in this case, but it does concern me that people would recommend taking on debt to someone who is currently dependent on an abusive parent, without considering how that could make the problem worse down the road.
I would say, if a person is comfortable taking on debt, ok! Do it! Not good. My mother abused me consistently from age 13 to At 19, we got into an altercation on the highway. I got out of the car once traffic slowed to a crawl. She abandoned the car on the road and came roaring after me. Police came. She left. No charges. I dropped out of school. I had a shitty life for 9 month couch-surfing and generally being homeless. I was out of touch with my family for 4 years.
I got a job with health insurance. I found an apartment. I recovered… and excelled. I went to a good local school on student loans. On graduation, my parents came to watch me walk down the aisle. They bought me a car. The point is, I made it to college eventually. My life was so much better when I went. Instead of struggling by with Ds, I got a 4. I firmly believe that people think we ought to do things in a specific order, and that order can lead to heartbreak.
Drop out of school. Crash with friends. Find a job. I second this. My parents were abusive. They also liked to control by holding the purse-strings. I ended up going to college on a scholarship. We have a good relationship now, my parents and I. Largely because I owe them nothing, and I live in another state. My History: 18 years of a very complicated psychologically abusive relationship, with someone who was also very socially adept, charming and manipulative.
I still like lots of things about this person — but the abuse that escalated after a crisis is a giant BUT that colors everything not in a good way. It is possible to still love your father but hate his behavior. My perspective: it is important for you to sort out what YOU need to do to survive right now. You know what is right for you. Many people here have made excellent, constructive suggestions. This includes well meaning, but untrained in DV therapists.
I suggest that you speak with a domestic violence hotline for more information, resources that can help you, and support. Reading books about abuse also really helped me to understand and recognize abuse for what it is. He has only physically assaulted you once, but is certainly sounds like there was an ongoing pattern of emotional abuse happening in the household.
Abuse can be one isolated incident — but it generally is a pattern. It also usually escalates over time. I read and re-read several books that really helped me. These books are aimed at women in a romantic relationship with men, but the behavior and tactics can certainly apply to same sex couples, family members, bosses, etc. Get them from your library, or if you can afford it, buy a used copy. Tell your mother and sister about them, too. It is affecting their lives, too. I know this through experience.
It comes by going to the people who are trained to help and doing what they say to do. I know this through experience, too. If possible, try getting out of the house for at least a week. Stay with friends or at school or have your Mom spring for a cheap hotel room.
I say this because when I was in my own abusive situation I had been there for so long that the reality of it had just seeped down into my very bones. I could not picture being away from it. By sheer coincidence there was a week-long family thing in another country and it was exactly what I needed.
By being out of the environment I could get a feel for what living without it was like. I could also see just how much of my life was being affected. Plus the advantage of a week is that it gives you some breathing room on making any big scary decisions.
Maybe you move out forever, maybe you move back in with ground rules, maybe something else. When the reality is that people are, in fact, allowed to change their minds.
I was there once, too. Luckily, my mother had divorced him years earlier, but he was going to pay for my college. I had to be nice. He was emotionally abusive more than anything with me. Easy with me- I worshiped him. When I started to stand up for myself, he threatened to disown me to get me to back down. The student loans were completely worth it. The other is: It is in no way your fault.
Your temper is not a reason to yell at you like that. Happiness matters! It is a legitimate goal! It is such a legitimate goal that the Declaration of Independence refers to Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness as inalienable rights! Oh my gosh, this is so important. How superficial! You can do that? Living happily and peacefully and without your shoulders up around your ears and without listening for the sounds that tell you where somebody is in the house, those are all good enough reasons to go.
It really goes just like that. Hi everyone, Letter Writer here. They see themselves as beleaguered heroes. Apparently this morning my dad went and scheduled an appointment with a therapist, with no prompting from anyone. My mom says he realized he needs help. Christ, finally.
So gross, right? It hurts to think of him as an abuser. Thank you so much for replying to my letter and thanks to all the commenters who shared, it means so much to me.
I am very, VERY grateful for the update and to hear that things are moving in the right directions and that both your immediate safety and the ability to get out of the house for the coming semester are both handled. I am so glad to hear that you are safe and that your college may have a room for you. Thank you so much for updating us!
This is not your fault. It definitely can. I think abusers use it as a threat, and it can be clearly heard as one. A non-abuser would say it in a very different tone. Really, all the rest of it is secondary still important, but secondary. Whether you think of him as an abuser? Whether he gets some help through therapy? So secondary. You are getting a safe place.
That is the best ever. All the rest will now have the time and space and safety to be worked out. Just wanted to say a quick thing about therapy. In that Lundy Bancroft book, he talks about running group therapy sessions with abusers.
One guy went on and on about how he had had this breakthrough in therapy about his intimacy and anger issues. My ex had also been totally against therapy, and totally against treatment he had a drug problem. But I am saying: listen only to the results, not the promises and hope. If he tries to put any therapy ghosts between your face and his hand, therapy is just a new tactic, not a fundamental change.
Wow — I so strongly agree with what you have written about this. Sometimes bad or inappropriate therapy is worse than no therapy at all. Here is a link to an essay about what is very wrong with the co-dependency model and domestic violence:. Boundaries do not equal barricades. There seems to be a very consistent pattern for the inability of the abuser to acknowledge that the ultimate responsibility for abuse is theirs alone.
There is a lot of research that seems to have proven that child abuse directed towards males can often result in creating a man who is more likely to abuse his partner. It is easy to feel sad for them, about their uncontrollable history — even though it is the contradiction of basic common sense. They were victimized — so why would the default setting be to re-victimize a person who they claim to love? Therefore it was a terrible way to buy time. So proud of you for coming forward and talking about this.
SO proud of you for thinking about how you can make things better for yourself. These are big, BIG steps, and you are already helping yourself heal.
We are ALL so proud of you. Also, this may have been mentioned already— your handling this is heping your sisters. You need to know that. When you left the house after this incident, you taught them that walking out of an unsafe place, even for a few hours, was possible. Your planning to leave teaches them that leaving can happen. And they need that. Just like you need it. In helping yourself first, in getting yourself to a safe place, you are doing the equivalent of putting on your own oxygen mask before assisting others.
Right now, your one and only priority is being safe and taking care of you. Embrace that in every way you can, and know that it is NOT selfish. You are helping yourself. But you are also helping your sisters.
Maybe even your mom. And hey— if he is serious about therapy, maybe even your dad. And how wonderful that your father is voluntarily going to a therapist — maybe you deciding to leave is the shock he needs to turn his life around and make things better for everyone around him Good luck!.
Thanks for letting us know. Oh wow, I hope things work out with a college room! I wish you all the luck in the world with this endeavor and I hope things keep moving in a positive direction. Also, major props to your mom for helping you.
Thank you for the update, LW. I remember with me one of the reasons why I was hesitant to label the relationship as abusive was that it would mean that I was in an abusive relationship. You deserve to be safe. I know it may take a little time before you feel able, but you do deserve it. The logistics of leaving can be intimidating, and abusers often make it seem not only difficult but impossible.
They can paralyze you with doubt. Not to mention that to paraphrase something I read in a book somewhere parents know exactly how to pull your strings because they tied them there in the first place. You know the compromise you were thinking of, the one where you would have tolerated the threat of violence in order to protect your younger siblings and ensure help with the cost of your education?
I tried that. It did not work for me. I still cringe to think of the wasted time and the lost tuition money. I got better eventually, but not until I got out. My story is not your story. You could very well be more resilient than I was — you may have bounced back faster, or you may not have crashed at all — but it would have been a big chance to take.
Yes, you can survive this, but you deserve even more than that. You deserve to thrive. Trust your own experience. I read this earlier today while I was at work … at a DV shelter! For example, at both places that I worked, if Residence Life had available rooms and we went to them with a client who either needed to move onto campus or needed to move from one room to another on campus, our client went to the top of the list.
They would also work with us in deferring fees and adding additional security features to the room, if our client wanted it. Same goes with school. We help clients talk to professors to get leniency if the shit hits the fan right before an exam or just generally interferes with the ability to get school done. We can sometimes work with the Dean of Students and financial aid to find the loopholes and get around rules to make something an option.
If there is such a center on your campus, you should definitely go talk to them. If you talk to an advocate, you can make all kinds of decisions, and then change your mind later.
I saw the calling-the-police thing come up, and I agree with most of the responses. I want to make one technical point about calling the police: in the US, depending on the state, if the police receive a report of partner or family member violence, they HAVE to make an arrest. And yes, what Marie said about therapy. Abusers can and do use therapy and a manipulation tool.
Make sure that you document not only the time that the events occurred, but the date that you wrote it all down. The subjective part is possibly journaling. People process difficult things a lot of different ways, and sometimes writing can help.
What were your emotions and thoughts during and immediately after this crisis? How did they compare to previous incidents? Can you describe your family dynamics during this crisis and previous incidents? What about now? What about poetry? Sometimes things that are too difficult to say can be expressed in other ways until we get to the point we can talk about them. If you do choose to write about this for whatever reason s may work best for you, make sure that it is not accessible to family members.
Sheelzebub offered excellent advice for protecting your privacy and essential documents. Congratulations on some first positive results. I reiterate what everyone else has said. I am not sure exactly how much my situation resembles yours, LW.
I do know that, even when I loved him like any kid loves their parent, I was afraid of him and his temper. Our relationship got worse as I got older, particularly because he had trouble respected state boundaries. One day in the kitchen, he was getting into my space in a way that usually heralded our yelling matches, and something changed, I think I told him I hated him which was not uncommon for me at 15 , and he grabbed me by the neck and shoved me against the wall, holding me there and yelling.
I managed not to kick him outright, but put my foot on his leg and pushed him off of me, back towards my mother. I have never been as scared or angry as I was when I looked into his face then, but my mother intervened and sent him away. I remember being in a state of semi-shock, and collapsing in my room afterwards. I am still untangling this in my brain and when I get health insurance, I will be doing it in therapy too. I was nice over the phone and through email, as nice as I could be on visits home there were some verbal dustups every time , and then I left the country for 2.
The time difference meant I could ignore any phone call at any time, because it was always reasonable that I was sleeping or busy, and I used that to avoid my parents until I actually missed them. I went away to college, and our relationship began to shift.
He no longer ruled, and I began to become the person I wanted to be. As the years went by, we grew closer. I was finally able to see his many great qualities. He was smart and funny and good with money, and he had great taste in food, art, music and movies—all traits I couldn't appreciate during those awful years when I lived at home.
What my father did was wrong. I know that, and maybe he came to know that, too. I'm reasonably sure that he did the best he could. I love him and miss him terribly. Like Purpleclover on facebook. Follow Purple Clover on Twitter. By using the site, you agree to the uses of cookies and other technology as outlined in our Policy, and to our Terms of Use. I was not prepared for this question. I wasn't always that lucky. Then he hit me.
And I hit him back. And he hit me again. And I hit him. Tags: family memoirs. Next in relationships. Nothing else made me feel closer to my mother than her pearls, and yet I never wore them. White House Press Sec. Michael K. Williams' Chilling Final Instagram Post. The scenario I'd feared since his release from a psychiatric hospital became reality when he attacked my mother.
0コメント